This article is dedicated to my now 13-year-old granddaughter, whose simple confession opened my eyes to a crisis hiding in plain sight.
"I am not good at making decisions and never have been."
The words hung in the air between us as we stood looking at the takeaway curry menu. My granddaughter—this bright, articulate young woman I'd watched grow into someone I see as strong and confident—shifted uncomfortably in trying to make a decision. Her parents nodded in agreement from across the room, as if this admission was nothing more than stating she preferred chocolate to vanilla.
But I felt something cold settle in my stomach. Here was a teenager who could debate climate policy and analyse novels with sophistication, yet she felt powerless when asked to choose between chicken tikka and a vegetable curry.
This concerned me greatly, because making decisions and expressing preferences isn't just about dinner—it's about developing the clarity necessary for living consciously and having agency over our lives. In our current world, where we're constantly asked to choose who we support, what we resist, and what we comply with, this skill feels more crucial than ever.
The Hidden Crisis
My granddaughter's confession revealed something I hadn't fully grasped: we may be raising a generation that feels paralysed by choice rather than empowered by it.
In Caroline Myss's view, our ultimate superpower is having choices—choosing to love, to forgive, to be kind. These are all within our control, yet somehow maybe we are not teaching young people to exercise this power.
Our daily lives flow with constant decisions, both conscious and unconscious. What to eat, which words to choose, what friends to keep, what moral stance to take, where to draw boundaries—the list is endless. Unless you subscribe to Albert Einstein's beautifully simple view that life comes down to just two choices: "whether you see life as a miracle or not."
But for most of us, life presents countless smaller choices that collectively shape who we become. The teenager deciding which subjects to pursue, the young adult choosing their first career path, the parent setting boundaries with their own children—each decision builds our capacity for the next.
Learning from Those Who Had No Choice
Years ago, I read The Choice by Edith Eger, which left a profound impression on me. Taken as a teenager to a concentration camp with her family, Eva developed an extraordinary discipline: after each traumatic event, she would ask herself, "What's next for me to do?" In the most constrained circumstances imaginable, she found space for agency.
Viktor Frankl, another Holocaust survivor, articulated this beautifully: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom."
These weren't people debating dinner options—they were fighting for survival. Yet they understood something we seem to have lost: that choice is not a burden but a birthright.
Every Choice is a Prayer
Maria Popova, in her wonderful weekly newsletter The Marginalian, wrote about the work of Jane Ellen Harrison: "Every choice we make in our political and personal lives is a prayer. All change is prayerful action towards a different kind of world—an act of faith towards the future and an act of heresy towards the status quo."
What a profound way to frame decision-making. Not as a source of anxiety, but as a form of activism. Every time we choose, we're voting for the world we want to live in.
Building the Decision-Making Muscles
Decision-making is a life skill that can be learned, honed, and strengthened. Here's what I've learned about building this capacity:
Start with small, reversible choices. Practice choosing what to wear, what music to listen to, which route to take to school. Build confidence with decisions that can easily be changed.
Distinguish between reversible and irreversible decisions. Jeff Bezos calls these "Type 1" and "Type 2" decisions. Most choices are reversible—we can learn to make them quickly and adjust as needed. (not that I want to take life strategies from Jeff Bezos, but he has a point, fortunately most of our decisions are not life or death).
Use trial periods. Make decisions with built-in review dates. "I'll try this activity for three months, then reassess." This reduces the pressure of making the "perfect" choice.
Embrace the learning in "wrong" decisions. As Robert De Niro's character wisely noted in a film, we make whatever decision we make right through what we do next. The decisions that lead us to challenges often hold the greatest gifts of insight and growth.
You are the sum of every choice, you have ever made,
I learned this the hard way in my twenties when I stopped playing victim to circumstances and started making more conscious choices. You and your life are the sum total of every decision you have ever made. That's not a burden—it's empowerment. It means you have the power to change direction at any moment.
All decisions are transformative, including the ones that lead us into difficulty. Those aren't to be regretted—they're to be learned from. They teach us discernment and strengthen our capacity to choose more wisely next time.
A Message for the Next Generation
So I said to my beloved granddaughter: Do not be afraid of choosing, little one. The world is waiting to hear your voice and see your choices. Without your discernment and confident expression, others will make decisions for you. You need clarity about who you are and how you'll show up when life challenges you—as it inevitably will.
Yes, there will be learning, disappointment, and what might feel like failures. But these will strengthen your capacity to live as fully, responsibly, and courageously as possible.
Tomorrow, when someone asks what you want for dinner , pause in that space Frankl described. Feel your power to choose, trust your instincts, and speak up. Start there. Practice that muscle. Because choice is your ultimate superpower—love it, guard it, and use it.
The world needs young people who know how to decide, who trust their own judgment, and who aren't afraid to choose their path forward. The future depends on it.
To parents and grandparents: Let's help our young people practice this essential skill. Ask their opinions, honor their preferences, and celebrate their choices—even the ones that seem trivial. Every decision builds the muscle they'll need for the bigger choices ahead.
This weeks Book Chat on The Preparation
Which leads very nicely into the next Book Chat with Zahra Sethna at
The Live will be this Thursday 11th at 4.pm UK and 11.am ET. do come and join us we will be talking about the beginning of The Preparation Book .
This book is all about guiding, training and supporting the young as they set out into an uncertain world…also relevant to us all , as we can all benefit from designing our personal curriculum for how ever many years we have ahead.
In solidarity and with love,
Insightful essay, Susan! This post reminds me of a tantric teaching that emphasizes - having many options isn't freedom. Developing discernment to make choices in the moment is. And in a world where we often feel our ability to choose is being taken away, it's even more important to see choice as valuable and a blessing.
Well said, Susan. I suspect you're right that having more choice than ever before has become a burden rather than a blessing.